Kurt Cobain - You Made Darkness Sexy

Sooo...I watched Montage of Heck today and I got to say it was all I expected and more.  If you have not watched this documentary, I suggest you do so.  Kurt Cobain is one of the most, intellectual, interesting, creative, stylish, sexiest, darkest and sick creatures that ever walked the planet.  Have you ever just listened to his voice as he sings those dark sad lyrics with that sexy deep voice.  It just takes to you to another part of existence, the one which brings out the artistic style to life.  He was so original, so raw, so interpersonal, there never was and never will be another like himself.  I can feel what he felt when I look at his pictures and listen to his music.  Those big sad blue eyes and that boyish cuteness covered in bleach blond hair.  Something about him draws me in and wants to go deeper, into his soul, into his mind.  The Documentary helped explain his mind and his ability to create and be a unique artist with a new style.  It was very personal in that it had many video clips of home videos made by Kurt and Courtney Love.  Including personal videos of interactions with their infant daughter, Francis Bean Cobain.  I will admit, there were moments I wondered how the two had custody of their daughter, obviously high as the morning sky on Heroin.  I could see the love Kurt had for his daughter, how he looked at her you could watch him just melt in the moment, he felt unconditional love something that he probably never felt before and it scared him because it hurt so much to love like that.  Kurt was highly sensitive as people with depressive illnesses tend to be.  He cared for Francis Bean so deeply and it scared him to imagine living in a world without this love again.  He was drove to suicide through his own fears, internal torture, fears to feel alive and suffer the pain, instead he let it take over him and come out in his music and writings.  We will forever remember this man as he made the darkness sexy through showing up how it can be an art.  He had no boundaries, he made the music he wanted and dressed and played the way he wanted which included his highly publicized addiction to Heroin.  To see someone suffer so publicly he let everyone know how it felt to feel internal pain, a pain which could not be cured by money and success.  He didn't dine in lavish eateries or wear clothing which cost more than his rent payment.  He lived no differently than before his name was even known, he wasn't afraid to be who he was without hiding behind a facade to be the coolest and highly publicized being of the moment but that in return gave him everything he never wanted.  He was an original.

R.I.P. Kurt Cobain, you will never be forgotten.

"PUNK IS MUSICAL FREEDOM.  IT'S SAYING, DOING AND PLAYING WHAT YOU WANT.  IN WEBSTER'S TERMS, 'NIRVANA' MEANS FREEDOM FROM PAIN, SUFFERING AND THE EXTERNAL WORLD, AND THAT'S PRETTY CLOSE TO THE DEFINITION OF PUNK ROCK." - Kurt Cobain

The Perfect Male Companion

I often feel a dull empty feeling inside me, like a hole that needs to be filled.  It is just an ache that comes over me like there is something missing and I can't quite put my finger on it.  It often comes along with this craving for something whole and dense something to fill me up with love.  I crave a male companion that can make me feel complete and fill up that yearning and pestering to be filled.  

If I could design and create the man who would full fill me and make me feel whole again he would be like this and the love story would go:

He would have that British cuteness, that beautiful smile with those clean crooked teeth, the smile that makes my heart flutter and my thighs wet.  He would have a think light brown head of hair, with a natural wave that just manages to always fall so perfectly especially after a long passionate fantasy filled    sex session.  Not a perfect body, but a strong body with big arms and a flat stomach but without washboard abs and a little hair covering the chest area.  His eyes would be piercing blue, the colour of Kurt Cobain's with the kindness and love of Bradley Cooper.  His skin would have a healthy glow and a natural hue and a slightly sun kissed freckled nose that was a little bigger but nothing that ruins his cuteness.  His personality would be thoughtful, kind, and a little corky, with no fear of trying new things or believing in things that give you life and make you feel alive even if it seems risky.  He would have an intellectual open mind with interesting ideas and philosophies.  He would have so much intelligence that I didn't have to think too much because he could think for me.  We would wake up together at the same time each morning, tell each other how we feel today and enjoy oatmeal with English Breakfast Tea.  We would then share a shower together and everytime I climbed in and looked in his eyes my heart would skip a beat and take in every moment with every bit of energy I could and want that moment to last forever.  Just standing there with the water pouring over us would be enough to live another life for.  After washing each other gently we would get out and go our own ways to get ready for work.  We would drive together get Starbucks on the way.  We would each go to jobs that we didn't mind going to and spend a lot of our days talking back and forth on our work emails. He would write me things like "How would I go on living without having you to save me every day" and tell me about a book he was reading up on at goodreads.com, one about a couple who fell deeply in love.   We would go back and forth all day with happy chatty emails that each talked about things we were interested in and things we could search together during the day, talking about all the celebrities we were both interested in.  In the afternoon we would email back and forth about what meal we would go home to cook together.  Explore all our favourite food and cooking blogs and decide what to try.  We would then drive home together and stop in the supermarket to gather our recipe's supplies.  We would laugh and cook together and enjoy our meal and talk about our love of cooking and exploring food the types and tastes. We would then share a bottle of red wine while we listened to Nirvana and talked about Kurt Cobain's compassion and that hole he was trying to fill.  We would travel to the Chapter's Book Store and sit down in Starbucks going over some books we could purchase and read together, stopping in the pretty park on the way home so we could sit on the green grass and read to each other, enjoying be in nature and watching the birds fly peacefully around us.  He would place my head back gently with his hands on a blanket on the grass, play my favourite song on his phone, look me in the eyes with his incredible blue eyes and ask me to marry him and be with him until we died old and happy.  I cry tears of fulfilment and happiness and I say yes and get that gushing rush of happiness in my veins like the feeling I yearn for, nothing could take that moment away from me.  We would cry together and tell each other how joyed and loved we made each other, like a connection that could never be severed no matter how far we were from the other.  Every day would be a day to look forward to with my new husband reminding me every day how special I was to him with a love note enclosed in my novel which I would read on my work break.  He would tell me he loved to watch me apply make up, he could just stare at me forever, covering in my dark eyes as he thought about how he ever lived in a world without  me.  He would say how intelligent I was and how I made everything in life make sense because life really doesn't make sense until you have that connection that makes you feel full and the void is gone. Everyday I get that exciting feeling like I just found the dream of my life and every minute is like Ecstasy.  Some days he sends me packages that he ordered me online with my favourite movie, books I would like or things that he knows I am interested in at any given moment.  He always reminds me that I am special to him and I am important and the things I care about are as well.  He once sends me an autographed picture of Suki Waterhouse because he knows I find something magnificent about her.  I sometimes go home to a house filled with roses and balloons and little notes with clues on where to find him which would usually be a cute vintage bed and breakfast with all the history I loved in those old victorian homes.  We would stay there together and take late evenings walks in the calmness of the night in that little vintage neighbourhood just like we were back in the 1920's.  We would talk in an accent as if we are still living in the that time and talk about who probably lived in each historic home and what story they had to tell. We spend the rest of the evening in    the hot tub eating strawberry covered strawberries while we listened to indie and folk music in the background.  We would then enjoy hours of our deepest desires during sex and satisfying each of our desires over and over again.  Finally falling into a peaceful sleep knowing that we would be waking up to a beautiful hot breakfast in bed with our favorite English Break Tea and reading up on our celebrity gossip.  We would then head out to the lavish boutiques downtown and buy me all my favourite outfits and vintage home decor.  

Life would be so perfect that I would want to live and feel at peace without waiting for that something to fill my empty hole and leaving me filled without any other thoughts or curiosity about what is going on and who I was, I would have found myself and my perfect companion.

Why I call myself Suki

I call myself Suki because she is my girl crush/girl obsession of the moment.  It all started after I watched American Sniper.  I mean I never even really paid any attention to Bradley Cooper until I seen that movie.  I have always been fond of men in American Combat Clothes and Bradley Cooper looked just as delicious as a Cadbury Chocolate Bar in the attire.  I found myself constantly day dreaming about him lying by my side.  He was in my head 24/7 while I worked, while I got groceries, while I slept and while I had sex with boyfriend.  After an extraordinary amount of of time day dreaming about the guy I wanted to see more of his movies.  I googled all his movies and started to download every single one and then watch every single one.  Silver Linings-Playbook was my absolute favourite I even liked it more than American Sniper.  Which lead to me watching the movie over and over and over again.  I think I can now recite every single line of the movie - but more about my love for that movie in later posts.  So of course when I had no Bradley Cooper movies left to watch, I started to Google every last thing I could Google about him and his life.  His then current-girlfriend, Suki Waterhouse, was a constant read on all the celebrity gossip sites.  Eventually, I couldn't find anything whatsoever to read about him on the internet anymore so I started to look into the life Suki Waterhouse hoping to get even a glimpse into Bradley's life.  She even had a very active, public Instagram Account that I started to follow https://instagram.com/sukiwaterhouse/.  I then realized that my obsession with Bradley Cooper lead to another obsession with Suki Waterhouse.  She is a beautiful super model from the UK with a profile which includes a campaign with Burberry and her own design of the sneaker brand Superga.  She is uniquely beautiful with a child like cuteness, a doll face and a smile that would just brighten a dark room.  She has her own sense of style which is very interesting and is nothing that I have seen yet which is kind of a blend of punk and hippie chic with a touch of the 60's in there.  She seems to live an incredibly intriguing life which includes being besties with party girl and model of the moment, Cara Delevingne.  

I found myself obsessed with this couple as I looked at the photos some of which included the two together in Paris sprawled out on the grass while Bradley read out to Suki from a book titled, Lolita.  It was like a scene out of a vintage romance movie.  In every picture I seen of the the two together, she looked at Bradley with a big smile and love written all over her face, how could you blame her, right?

Summing it all up, I chose Suki because if I could spend some time in anybody's shoes at this time in my life I would want to live as Suki Waterhouse, just for a little while.  A girl can dream right, how else do you stay sane in this crazy world?

I am sad to report that Suki and Bradley broke up a couple of months ago and seem to be seeing other people.  I thought they might get back together when they were both spotted together at Coachella but I guess it wasn't written in the stars after all.